Why losing weight can be difficult: motivation and self-sabotage with diets

Why do you want to lose weight?

A personal reason might be wanting to feel better when you move or to look after an aspect of your health that you have discussed with a health professional. You may also want to change your appearance. There is no need to judge that. It is worth distinguishing what comes from you from what arises when you compare yourself with others or receive comments about your body.

One question can help separate the two: would you still have that reason if nobody commented on your appearance? If your answer changes, there may be pressure that deserves space in the conversation.

Research on health behaviour change distinguishes reasons chosen by the person from those imposed from outside. A review of trials found small effects of interventions that support autonomy on several health behaviours [1]. This evidence can help us take care in how we approach change, although no reason on its own guarantees weight loss.

Your reason may change, too. Perhaps you started following medical advice and now value having more energy for your activities. Or perhaps you started by comparing yourself with others and have realised that you need to rest and eat with less tension. Reviewing your reason helps you decide whether the path you have chosen still makes sense.

What is self-sabotage, and how can you recognise it?

Self-sabotage is an everyday term for the gap between what you intend to do and what you end up doing. It is not a diagnosis or a personality trait. It may show up when you put off preparing a meal that would suit you, cancel an activity you enjoy or hide that you find the plan difficult.

Sometimes it appears just when you feel you are making progress. You think, “I’ve done well enough,” and drop the routine you had chosen. Or you worry that other people will expect you to keep changing, so you stop talking about it. At other times, the opposite happens: one different meal seems to prove that everything has failed.

Notice the sequence before labelling yourself. What did you want to do? What happened just before? What did you tell yourself afterwards? A demanding week at work, a plan that required too much preparation or fear of receiving comments are different explanations. Each calls for a different response.

A setback tells you what happened that day; it does not decide what you can do tomorrow.

Some choices may look like detours but meet a real need. Resting when you are exhausted or accepting an invitation does not mean you are sabotaging yourself. If the plan does not allow for these moments, we can review the plan before you blame yourself.

Why the pattern arises

Fear of change can coexist with wanting to look after yourself. Changing schedules, asking for support or letting go of certain rules can disrupt routines that felt reassuring. Recognising this discomfort can help you consider what you need to move forward at your own pace.

Overly broad goals can also make it difficult to know what to do today. “I’ll do everything right” does not explain what you will do when you leave work late. A specific goal helps you anticipate obstacles and review what happened. UK obesity guidance recommends agreeing realistic goals and discussing barriers during support [2].

A highly restrictive plan can add another problem. If it turns every choice into a test, any change of plans can feel like failure. The same guidance calls for adapting eating to each person’s needs and preferences, with ongoing support [2]. When restriction is followed by binge eating, it is a good idea to assess that relationship before imposing new rules [3].

Sometimes “rebound effect” is used to describe giving up on a plan and the guilt that may arise before weight changes. It does not happen to everyone or in the same way. If it happens to you, review the plan and what you make of each deviation, without attributing it to a character flaw.

How to break the “all or nothing” pattern

Start with a small, observable action that is within your control. You might set aside time to plan your shopping or choose an activity you enjoy. Describe when you will do it and how you will know it happened. The action is what you assess; your worth as a person does not depend on it.

If it does not happen one day, write down the obstacle in concrete terms. “I left work late and had nothing planned” offers information; “I have no willpower” shuts down the conversation. Decide whether you need to change the time, make the task smaller or ask for help at home. Problem-solving and reviewing goals are part of recommended behavioural interventions [2].

Talking about the process may also help. You can tell someone you trust what you are trying to do and which comments you would prefer them to avoid. Perhaps you would like company on a walk, or perhaps it helps when nobody comments on your plate. Asking for support does not mean you have to share your weight or justify every meal.

Leave room for exceptions. A plan that only works when there are no birthdays, changing shifts or tired days has little room in everyday life. Ask yourself what simple version of your action could fit on a difficult day. This question lets you adjust the plan without turning every variation into giving up.

What we see in consultations

We hear three common concerns when someone tries to stick to a plan. The first is waiting until they feel highly motivated to start. The second is trying to change too many things at once. The third is interpreting an exception as proof that everything is over.

We can look together at which of these situations comes up and what surrounds it. If a plan requires cooking every day and your schedule changes each week, we can find a more realistic way to organise it. If talking about your body at home is upsetting, we can agree what boundaries you need around those conversations.

In consultations, we also ask about the cost of change. If sticking with it means stopping seeing your friends, thinking about food all day or feeling afraid to eat, that cost needs attention. The agreed goal should not cover up your distress.

When it is no longer a question of motivation

Consider seeking a psychological assessment if the cycle of restriction and loss of control keeps recurring, if you compensate after eating or if your weight determines how much you feel you are worth. These situations deserve to be heard and assessed individually. Clinical guidance on eating disorders recommends identifying and addressing these problems early [3].

If you compensate for what you eat, also seek a medical assessment, because these behaviours may require health monitoring [3]. Do not wait until you have a diagnostic label.

Our guide to eating disorders explains the warning signs and where to seek help. If your main concern is losing control while eating, our guide to food anxiety explores this pattern and its full list of warning signs. For now, it is enough to know that asking for support is an option from the outset.